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[21 Sep 2003|02:27am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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I think I'm getting sick. I have a fever. My stomach hurts. My throat hurts. I should go lay down.
I've tried getting a hold of Ashton all day. He's not home, not answering his phone. .. I don't know where he is. He hasn't called me. :( It sucks.
I think I was a bitch tonight. I don't know. I kind of felt bitchy. Was I, Eric? Sorry if I was. I luff yew, really!!!! Relax, Ashton. Joking.
Yeah. I'm going to lay down. I feel..like crap.
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[07 Sep 2003|08:42pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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So, apparently we're in like..1st grade. I don't know. I just..want to say some things.
Once apon a time I had the perfect life. Apart from being away from my family and barely getting any sleep..I was HAPPY. And then..I screwed it up. I cheated on my boyfriend. .. With one of his best friends (one of my friends, as well).
For the longest time I never had an answer to the question "why?". But, I do now. And, I know that for some people this explination won't be acceptable but, you know what? I'm tired of always having to have everything be accepted.
Me and Justin had been together for 4 years. I thought he was going to be the person I spent the rest of my life with. .. The person I spent FOREVER with. I don't know about what you guys think but forever is a pretty long time. One guy for the rest of your life...one person you share every waking moment with. It's scary. I was scared of forever. I wasn't unhappy or unsatisfied. I was scared of forever.
( you all might as well know the story )
I had no intention of telling Justin anything. He wasn't there. The group had some thing going on. After the thing happened with Wade I instantly regretted it. I knew that I didn't want to spend forever with anyone but Justin. Hence the reason I wasn't going to tell him.
Of course, he found out anyway.
After we broke up I was just..miserable. I hated myself. I wanted to take it all back. How could I even think about doing that to him? Oh well. It happened. There wasn't anything I could do.
I realized that I had to move on. I couldn't hang onto him forever. I knew that we couldn't make amends. So, what choice did I have? ... Move on.
Well, I definately wasn't going to move onto Wade. Ok, we had sex...and, yes, it was good but he was just my friend. After that night we kind of..lost contact. It's weird now, you know? For both of us. Sometimes we make some comments but..things aren't like they use to be. Who could expect them to be?
So, I found Ashton. He's honestly amazing. I love him.
I'm not scared of forever anymore. I'm not scared of much of anything anymore, really. Maybe my forever is suppose to be with Ashton. .. I don't want to rush things. We've only been together for four months but when I think about my future I don't see me without him there.
I know that I flirt with guys a lot. I know that sometimes it seems like I throw myself at them, too. Honestly though, I won't do that to Ashton. When I talk to guys or..flirt with them or whatever...it's just because I like the attention. I like when guys look at me and show some interest in me. ... Especially when they can't have me. I like being a tease. But, like I said, I'm not going to screw things up with Ashton.
I've loved Justin since I was 12 years old. I've never stopped. To this day..to this very second and every second to come I still love him. I haven't forgiven myself for what I've done to him. I won't be able to until he forgives me. I know it won't be for a while. It's alright though. I deserve to live with that cloud hanging over my head. I deserve every bit of guilt I have.
I really don't have anything else to say. I miss how things use to be but sometimes God wants them to be different. I've learned a lot from all this. I'm happy with how things are now. I don't feel sorry for being happy...and I don't think I should be.
( ooc )
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| :D |
[05 Sep 2003|10:54pm] |
Our kitchen. Our bed. Our livingroom. Our furniture. Our dishes. Our own place.
We're going shopping for furniture and dishes and..all that stuff tomorrow. It's really great. I'm all giddy.
Anyway, I flew out to DC like..Tuesday and yesterday I performed at the NFL Kickoff. I did a new song (from the new album, duh) and a medley of "Baby one more time/I'm a slave for you". A lot of people said they liked. Guess I still got it!
And, yes, I did cut my hair. If you've seen the pictures or whatever I chopped it. It's short and blonde and yes, it has a red streak.
Anyway, I'm going to go watch Ashton sleep some more or..something. Bye.
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[03 Sep 2003|09:02pm] |
Yesterday was 3 months we've been together.
Bye.
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[02 Sep 2003|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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:(
where's my boyfriend?
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| Rawr. |
[01 Sep 2003|03:48am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
My day was crappy.
I woke up with a headache. I got sick and I was feeling just..blahish.
The first time I talked to my boyfriend all day it's cause he doesn't want me talking to Wade. So we get into this little.."spat". It sucked.
And..well, that was pretty much everything that made my day crappy.
I've been talking to Eric for almost 3 hours. Hello? I think this is the longest conversation I've ever had with anyone here. And I've been here since the beginning.
Anyway. He's great. He wins. I love him and we're getting married in Vegas with an Elvis. He has made my night.
Bye.
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[30 Aug 2003|12:31am] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GIRL JENNY!!!! I LOVE YOU, BABYCAKES!!! :-*
and happy late birthday to david. i suppose i love you too. :P
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[29 Aug 2003|01:56am] |
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mood |
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mixed up-ish..like |
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I had a great night..
I performed with a good friend and my idol and it was amazing. I had fun. Mingled with the pretty people...
And now this...
[private; veiwable: none]
Maybe I'll let him see this. .. Sometime. I just have to get it out of my system for now..
I don't want it to be like this. I never wanted it to be like this. Words cannot make up for my past actions but I can't go back in time to take it back. If I would..I'd do it in a heartbeat. .. I know that doesn't mean anything because I can't take it back. I love you. I always have....it never stopped. Not once. And I still do. The four years we were together were the best I've known. Nothing will ever change that. .. I mean it.
Nothing I say is gonna change this. But I want you to know it. .. I can't make you believe it but at least know it. And also know I want you to be happy. ... Move on. It's hard but we can't stay hooked forever. It's better if you move on. It's best for both of us if we both move on. I wish we could be friends. I don't want to lose you completely. .. But I think I've already lost that chance as well. And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for all of this. .. Especially the pain and the hurt I've caused. I can't forgive myself. Doing what I did was the biggest mistake of my life. .. Maybe in time you'll forgive me and then I can forgive myself. But until then...
[/private]
Sleep would be nice. Goodnight.
( OOC for the ``private`` thing.. )
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[24 Aug 2003|09:02pm] |
Apparently I'm dating Jared Leto because Justin is "dating" Cameron and I want to "make him jealous" and Jared wanted to make Cameron "jealous".
Jesus Lord. You think this dumbasses would give it a break, don't you?
So, who all have I "been" with since me and Justin broke up? There was Colin, rumors of Ashton, Jared, this guy and that guy..
I'm so amused these people waste their time caring about who I'm with. AND WHY I'M WITH THEM! DUDE!!!! Seriously!
"tehehe. look at me! i'm britney spears and i'm dating jared leto because we want to make justin and cameron jealous." flaunts about "are you jealous now?!?!?!" laughs and points
..Yeah. Amusing. But I'm not with Jared. I'm with Ashton and I'm HAPPY with Ashton and I don't want to make Justin jealous.
Anyway. Bye.
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[23 Aug 2003|01:46am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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..I'm going to jump off a bridge.
Apparently I just annoy people.
And I'm stupid. .. That coming from someone I thought was a "friend".
Where is Elisha?
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[23 Aug 2003|01:36am] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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STOP THE MADNESS!!!
WHY IS EVERYONE BEING CONFUSING AND ASKFJDSAKGDSKGJDS AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT THE AMERICAN JUNIORS?
DON'T HURT THE LITTLE KIDS, PEOPLE!!!
HIDES THEM UNDER HER HOUSE
AND WTF.
I'M GONNA GO CRAZY.
MY BOYFRIEND IS THE BEST.
I'M STUCK IN CAPS, K.
RUNS AWAY TO NEVER RETURN
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[22 Aug 2003|07:44pm] |
Ok. Yeah.
3Y3 N33D AH BOIFR13ND!22``1!! FAYE AND ADR1ANA EyE LUFF Y3W LYK3 SO0O0OOOoOO MUCH. LETZ B3 BOIFR3NDSS!!~!~11``ONE
I just wanted to do that to piss Colin off because he doesn't think it's funny. Well, I do and a lot of other people do too and if you don't that's peachy but you don't need to get a pissy attitude and talk to Faye the way you did. She's like..16 and you're an adult. Grow up a bit, why don't ya?
Bye now. *skips away*
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[20 Aug 2003|11:09pm] |
Really random and pointless update..
First - Colin is way hotter than Ian.
Second - Ben Affleck got a journal. gjhdskgjhdslgkjdsyr8oisafh86djghsafa :-[
Bye.
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[16 Aug 2003|09:47pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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walking behind :: moffatts |
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So, my pics from New York Times are getting out on the 'net now. Hhm. I think they're really good. I posed nude but I was covered up. I'll probably get slack for it anyway but I don't care.
Things are wonderful, really. I don't have anything to complain about. I don't have nothing to rant about or be bitchy about. I'm enjoying how things are right now.
When I go on tour it's a possibility that Jenny is going to sing back up! dsjfdsg I'm so friggen excited about that. Jen's one of my best friends and we've been friends for a while. It'll be great to be able to spend like..every friggen day with her. :D
Yeah. This is getting boring so bye.
Hhm. I need a new layout. Anyone wanna make me one? :[ Please?
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[12 Aug 2003|10:10pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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( Those little..thingies. Lots of them. Funny stuff. )
So, Ashton and I went dancing last night. rofl. He's so "pretty fly for a white guy". :[ It was cute, though. And the slow dances made up for it. tehe.
I was reading over old chats last night. sahff lmao. God. I really think we were all on drugs, ok? It was usually me, Lisha, Matt, Jere, Tony and Benji. Sometimes there were a few other people but we were that stars. *struts stuff* And I wish I could have 25 cents for everytime I was the only chick in a chat. I'd have some money, yo. :[ And! For all the times me and Lisha talked about turning lesbain and/or becoming nuns. AND!!! For the times we talked about Lavato equaling great sex. .. Or just sex in general and my flashing. You guys remember that time Tim was putting everyone in his pants? :( I miss the chats! I miss my friends! ... :\
Yeah. Well, anyway. I'm gonna go..do something. Bye.
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[09 Aug 2003|05:09am] |
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mood |
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cold |
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Hm hmm. I hate waking up early.
I just realized my 4th album's coming out soon. .. November 18th. Wow. I'm really excited about this one. I've worked with fabulous people (Tweet, Missy Elliot, Diddy, Timbaland, Rodney Jerkins, Moby...etc) to make it and it's a lot different. I'm excited.
I spent the night with Ashton. God. It felt so good just to wake up and see him next to me. I had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming. I wasn't though. And..we're working on things. I'm glad I didn't lose him. I thought he'd never want to talk to me again but..he does and..we're gonna make this work.
No more cheating. No more other men. No more whoring around. Just..me and Ashton. Ashton and me. Us. Because I love him.
Now, I have to go to a photo shoot. Rah rah.
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| Lala |
[09 Aug 2003|01:02am] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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say anything :: GC |
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First of all..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KITTY!!!! :-* You are my best friend and I love you so much. <3333 Thank you for everything. I hope you had a good day. You'll give you your presents later.
6 new icons.
I'm going to call Ashton now. Bye.
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[07 Aug 2003|10:19pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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swear :: sarai |
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Britney , I THINK all your albums suck my dick.
Oh I'm so hurt. Wah wah. Let me go cry a fucking river. .. Wait! I've been there, done that and built myself a bridge so I'm over it. Seriously. You don't like me and I don't like you so your opinion means shit to me. And if my albums suck your dick they don't suck that much. Trust me. I remember. You're petty and immature. Golly gee, J, don't be so sour.
As for everyone else that agrees with Justin's opinions about me and my albums --
I barely talk to any of you and I've never done anything to you. You don't like me?! THAT'S SUPER!..You don't fucking KNOW me so I don't fucking CARE.
I hope everyone knows that because I don't care. Say what you will about me..it doesn't matter to me.
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| Don't turn your back on me... |
[04 Aug 2003|03:04am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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faint :: linkin park |
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I went to give Ashton some stuff today..
It was so weird. I had to go up to his room to get some of my stuff and..he just followed me right up there..watching me..like I was gonna steal something or some crap.
I wanted so bad just to hug him and kiss him..but I couldn't. And I hate myself for doing this to our relationship. I've never regreted ANYTHING more than this. .. Anything..ever.
Thank's to Britt, Diana, my lesbian lover Jenny and whoever else listened to me and talked to me tonight. <333 You guys don't know how much it means to me.
And..this..I don't know. Where is JC? I need him right now. :\ .. I need all my friends right now but, it's probably better that they stay away from me. I'd just screw up some more.
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| :\ |
[02 Aug 2003|06:06am] |
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mood |
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tired/depressed |
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music |
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empty garden :: elton john |
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Today is our 2 month anniversary....
I'm on a plane to L.A. I have to go and make things right. I love him and I've fucked things up. I have to fix them. I can't lose him. .. No. He means too much to me.
Tony: Thank you for making my night. I've missed you. <3
Justin: Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder tonight, eh. It really means a lot. I'm sorry I'm leaving so soon. .. I hope you understand. Maybe I can come back soon. :\
David: I'm sorry I ran out on our visit the way I did. .. I know you're probably pissed off at me for that. Well, I'm assuming you are beings we haven't talked since..the last time we talked. :\ I'm really sorry..I'll make it up to you. I promise.
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